Written by author Gary Chapman, the 5 Love Languages is an excellent resource for couples who find themselves missing the mark with their partner. The book outlines five distinct “languages” individuals speak when it comes to love, and how we may be approaching our partner with a language that isn’t really their fit (and vice versa). The book details each of the following languages:
1. Quality Time: this is a person who appreciates spending time together. This does not mean watching TV together, it means true quality time with your attention focused on your partner.
2. Acts of Service: this is someone who appreciates the dishes being done or the car being washed, the thought that goes into going the extra mile.
3. Words of Affirmation: this is someone who appreciates the phone calls, emails, text messages, or notes in their lunch kit that just say they are special.
4. Physical Touch: this is a person who appreciates physical closeness of all varieties including cuddling, holding hands, massages, and sexual intimacy.
5. Receiving Gifts: this is a person who appreciates tokens of affection and the thoughtfulness of gift giving. This is not the same as being materialistic, it’s about the thought, effort and attention that goes into choosing something – it’s symbolic.
One of the concepts outlined in the book is the way in which couples tend to miss the mark in identifying and catering to their partners love language, and how this can be an effort in frustration for everyone involved. We have a tendency to give what we would like to get, so for example:
Mary loves to hear her husband say “I love you”, she wishes he would do it more. She feels like she tries so hard to be thoughtful of him, she is always leaving notes on the fridge before she leaves for work that say how much he means to her, and she often calls during the day to let him know she is thinking of him. Meanwhile, Mary’s husband John often finds himself frustrated that Mary doesn’t seem to consider how hard he works, and he often feels unappreciated. John sees Mary’s notes and hears her “I love you’s” but they feel hollow to him. John has asked Mary many times to keep her car maintained, but time and time again John finds himself looking at the mud-caked thing with disdain. So he takes it and washes it, vacuums it out, checks the tires and oil, and Mary doesn’t even notice.
What we’ve got here is Mary whose language is words of affirmation, and John whose language is acts of service. Each is offering that which they want so desperately, but they are not meeting the needs of their partner. They are missing each other. Understanding this basic principle can be tremendously impacting in shifting the course of your marriage. Learn your language and the language of your spouse, then come up with ways to meet your partners longings as well as ways you would like to have your own met.
Check out http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ to take the love languages quiz to discover your language.
Check out this Link to buy the book on Amazon.ca
As always, may these resources help you and your partner to
grow. change. live.thrive. together.
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