Pop Quiz!
Picture this: You are waiting in a long line at the grocery store. As your turn at the check-out finally approaches, someone cuts in front of you with their cart full of groceries.
What would you do?
- Say nothing, do nothing.
- Say nothing, but glare at them and ‘accidentally’ push them a little as you walk past.
- Yell after them, “What a jerk!”
- Explain to them that you were waiting before them, and politely ask them to take their place at the end of the line.
Now for a different scenario: Imagine you are at work and you hear a coworker making insensitive jokes at your expense.
Your response?
- Leave it. You don’t want to engage in a conflict.
- Don’t confront them, but start making jokes about them behind their back.
- Retaliate with, “You’re always so rude, no wonder nobody likes you!”
- Tell them you find these jokes hurtful and calmly but firmly ask to change the subject.
Finally, imagine you have a friend who is consistently 15-20 minutes late when meeting you, and you are starting to feel disrespected.
Your best course of action?
- Just learn to accept it. You worry that confronting them could damage the relationship.
- Start showing up 30 minutes late when meeting them.
- Call them inconsiderate and insist that they must not care about you as a friend.
- Tell them you value their friendship but you feel frustrated when you have to wait for them. Explore ways to ensure neither of you is left waiting.
If you answered D to any of the above scenarios, it’s likely that you are experienced with assertiveness, a set of communication skills to effectively navigate potentially conflictual interactions with others.
What is assertiveness?
Assertive communication, or assertiveness, can be defined as “the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your rights, needs, and personal boundaries” (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010, p. 649). Put simply, assertiveness involves being forthright with one’s perspective in a direct, clear, and courteous manner.
Being assertive may involve:
- Rejecting requests (“Sorry, I can’t loan you money”)
- Initiating difficult conversations (e.g., salary negotiations, speaking up against social injustices)
- Asking for favours (“Will you please give me a ride?”)
- Openly expressing feelings and opinions (“I feel hurt when you speak to me like that”)
Assertive communication strives for a win-win dynamic wherein each party feels respected, even when there is disagreement. Assertiveness helps us to achieve our goals and advocate for our own interests while respecting the rights and welfare of others.
For many of us, speaking up for ourselves when our perspectives don’t align with others’ is easier said than done. We may find ourselves using a more passive communication style (e.g., ‘A’ answers in the above quiz) or sometimes we may use an aggressive one (e.g., ‘C’ answers). According to Speed, Goldstein and Goldfried (2017), assertiveness as a construct can be considered along a continuum, with excessive agreeableness or passivity on one extreme, and hostility/aggression on the other.
What is passive communication?
Passive communication involves being timid, unnecessarily apologetic, or silent, even when this comes at the expense of your own rights or needs. When we are passive, we might be indirect in our communication (“I’m not sure if I’m able to pick up that shift” versus “Sorry, I can’t work that day”) or we may try to avoid conflict or disagreement altogether. Passive communication may lead us to avoid making requests for resources/support we need, or to accommodate others’ positions/requests despite our own best interests (Ames, Lee, & Wazlawek, 2017). Unfortunately, passivity can damage our relationships with others. It may lead us to feel exploited, ignored, or minimized, which in turn can cause feelings of resentment and alienation to brew. Passivity can also worsen social anxiety, low self-esteem and low self-efficacy (Speed et al., 2017).
There are many reasons why a person may tend to use a more passive communication style, such as fear of hurting others, fear of rejection, lack of confidence/skill with conflict, or fear of retaliation. As Speed et al. (2017) explain, the main issue is a belief that assertiveness will elicit a negative response from others, and the development of this belief often makes sense within the context of various early sociocultural learning experiences. Indeed, it’s important to acknowledge that many people have developed a passive communication style as an adaptive response to the environments they were raised in. Part of my work as a therapist involves helping clients to explore how these beliefs and habits were formed. However, it may still be beneficial to explore the domains that could benefit from increased assertiveness. In fact, research in social psychology has shown that people generally underestimate the likelihood of others responding favourably to requests for help (Ames et al., 2017).
People may also engage in passive-aggressive communication (see B answers above), which is characterized by expressing one’s discontent in an indirect manner. Passive-aggressive communication often involves sarcasm, talking behind others’ backs, or displaced aggression, in a way that avoids confronting the real problem. Again, people may engage in passive-aggression due to fears or struggles related to managing conflict, but this type of communication unfortunately tends to reinforce a lose-lose dynamic in which interpersonal problems fester.
What is aggressive communication?
Aggressive communication is that which insults, demeans, or disrespects others and/or is hostile and combative in nature. Aggressive communication often involves name-calling, labelling, yelling, or blaming. Often, aggression is triggered by difficulties regulating emotions like anger or fear. Aggression may also be a result of poor conflict modelling or underdeveloped interpersonal skills. It’s not uncommon for people with generally passive communication styles to eventually reach a “boiling point” at which they let out their frustrations in an aggressive way.
We know that in general, aggressive communication can be detrimental to our relationships (e.g., by damaging trust, exacerbating conflict) and our personal well being (e.g., by increasing stress, provoking resistance/impasses in disagreements) (Ames et al., 2017).
What does assertiveness look like?
As a clinical counsellor, I work with many clients to help them develop and practice interpersonal effectiveness skills, while managing the anxiety that may arise as clients begin to assert themselves. Below is a brief introduction to some of the skills:
Use assertive body language
Nonverbal cues play a major role in how we are perceived. Convey interest and respect by maintaining an alert/engaged posture and eye-contact. Actively listen to the other person’s perspective and use a calm tone of voice.
Saying “No”
Sometimes we have to say “no”, and this can be uncomfortable. Generally, it’s best to be straightforward and honest and acknowledge how the other person may be affected about your refusal: “I can see this is important to you…”; “I know this may be disappointing…”. After setting our boundaries, we are then free to try to come up with a compromise. Interestingly, research has shown that attempts to accommodate others as quickly as possible can actually lead to worse outcomes for both parties. As Ames et al. (2017) explain, “This can happen when negotiating parties quickly capitulate to a “split the difference” outcome rather than work together to undercover a “grow the pie” solution that addresses the differing priorities of the two sides.” (p. 4)
Often, an honest “No” is better for a relationship in the long-run, as the alternative may cause resentment and relationship dissatisfaction to build.
Be a broken record
Sometimes we have to repeat ourselves (e.g., when declining a request). The trick is to maintain a calm voice and avoid getting derailed or pulled into an argument. This can be a tough skill to master, so it can help to role-play with a counsellor and plan for various potential outcomes.
“When you ______, I feel ______”
When making a complaint, focus on your experience and highlight specific behaviours that you are unhappy with. Stick to objective facts when making an observation, being sure to avoid attacking the other person’s character. Be careful not to label (“You’re so disorganized”) or over-generalize (“You never pick up after yourself”). When making a request, try framing it as a positive need (i.e., what you DO want versus what you DON’T want).
For example, “I’ve been waiting for you forever – you’re so unreliable!” becomes, “When you come home late, I feel neglected. Can you try to get home earlier and text me next time you’re running late?”
Strike while the iron’s cold
The trick here is to try to confront others before hurt feelings have escalated. If we can develop an awareness of our emotions, this helps us to take action while tensions are still relatively low, and this gives us more time to confront others in a thoughtful way. Many of us find that we go from “0 to 60” pretty quickly when it comes to our emotions. If this is the case, a clinical counsellor can help you to foster increased emotional awareness and regulation skills.
Conclusion
It’s important to note that all forms of communication can have their place, and it is not always appropriate, safe, or feasible to use assertiveness skills. However, we know that assertiveness skills can be helpful in various contexts to improve relationships, decrease anxiety, increase self-confidence, and improve outcomes for ourselves and others.
If you are interested in learning more about assertive communication, you may wish to check out “The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships” by Randy J. Paterson PhD.
References:
Ames, D., Lee, A., & Wazlawek, A. (2017). Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 11(6).
Pipaş, M., & Jaradat, M. (2010). Assertive communication skills. Annales Universitatis Apulensis Series Oeconomica, 12, 649–656.
Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2017). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1).
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