Years ago I was introduced to a book written by John Gottman entitled “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” It is memorable for me, mostly because it was one of the few books I read that my husband was willing to play along with the activities. You must understand, for the husband of a counsellor, life is a series of experiences that must feel much like a guinea pig – he is required to be tested and poked and prodded with each new technique or intervention to see how it will work in a session. Typically my husband tries to act the good sport, but quickly gets tired of me “psychologizing him” (as he says). Meanwhile, when I was reading this particular book and trying out the quizzes and activities, he would stay up for hours with me playing along and seeming to legitimately be enjoying himself.
While the book as a whole offers a ton of excellent suggestions and tools that help build communication and create meaning in a marriage, one part has stuck with me all these years later: the Sound Relationship House. The book outlines the way in which we must work together to build a foundation for our home, beginning with building love maps. Love maps are essentially what we know about each other – our partner’s likes and dislikes, challenges and passions, hopes and dreams, fears and ambitions. The book provides an excellent quiz to help couples begin talking about love maps and consider the ways in which they need to build, maintain, or perhaps re-build their own. Once love maps are established, the next step to building the sound relationship house involves finding and sharing fondness and admiration for one another. This can be difficult for couples who have long been entrenched in looking only at the negative aspects of their partner, however it is a neccessary step if we hope to salvage a truly meaningful relationship. Next in the process is what Gottman refers to as “turning towards.” This is a process of connecting to one another rather than creating barriers between each other. Following this is the positive perspective which refers to the process of shifting our attitudes and perceptions toward the positive aspects of life, both in general and specific to our life with our partner. Next is managing conflict. This is a tough one. Many couples lack the skills neccessary to work through conflict – rather they end up in a quagmire of blaming, guilt, and loneliness. The book offers several suggestions regarding ways to manage conflict, but it is important to know that conflict management/resolution skills are ones that require practice and sometimes it can be frustrating as we work to change our conflict patterns. The final two steps in building the sound relationship house include making life dreams come true, and creating shared meaning. Both of these steps are about coming together to build a present and a future that are based on a couple’s hopes and dreams – to share in a life together that is meaningful to each person individually, and yet is all the more meaningful because it is shared with the other.
Gottman’s work offers an excellent start to couples facing challenges related to emotional distance and difficulties communicating and navigating conflict. Many couples I have worked with have noted that these skills are not always sufficient to completely revitalize their relationships (often I utilize some of Gottman’s methods mixed with Emotion-Focused Couple’s Therapy when working with couples in distress), however it does offer an easily accessible place to start working on re-building a life together. The book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” can be found at Chapter’s or ordered online. You can get more information about the book, and the house (including handy little magnets to put on your fridge) on the Gottman Institute website (see links below). If you and your partner are facing relationship struggles and live near Langley BC, I invite you to call and set up an appointment to begin learning to apply skills to help revitalize your marriage and create the shared meaning and intimacy that each of us are longing for. May this be a step to help you to grow. change. live. thrive. together.
Click here to learn more about The Gottman Institute Website, The Sound Relationship House Magnet, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work on Amazon.ca.
grow. change. live.thrive.
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