If you are thinking about, preparing for adoption, or in the process of adopting, you are likely having thoughtful reflections and conversations about two important things (among so many others): assessing what risk factors you feel capable of accepting and what you would describe as being a strong adoptive match. In both cases, agencies and hopeful parents themselves are involved in the process and in the decision making.
Many people in this process feel super intimidated by the weight and significance of this decision, how to confidently complete the risk factor application forms, and how to properly gauge what they feel able to parent well. I have heard from several people waiting to adopt that they are confused about how the risk factor forms are even used, wondering if tick off too many boxes, that the agency will think they are open to all those risk factors associated with one child, or that if they tick off too few, they’ll risk narrowing their chances of successfully adopting at all. And when you are feeling the implicit pressure to put your best foot forward with your home study social worker, it can feel vulnerable to ask for clarification or guidance.
Most often, those completing the forms wonder how they are supposed to look into their parenting future and know for sure what they can handle. Fair, right? None of us truly can foresee what we’re capable of until we’re in it. Usually there are a couple of risk factors on the list that stand out as “I know for sure we can’t….” and others that you feel “for sure we can”, and all the rest lie in the grey zone, often requiring in depth research to better understand what each of those risks really mean going forward. Substance exposure related risks, for example, are some of the most overwhelming to consider and the least known about. Many mental health conditions or in utero exposure related risks come with preconceived notions, biases and misinformation.
An additional layer that can make these decisions more challenging, is when couples exploring adoption find that they aren’t fully on the same page about what they each feel they can envision handling, leading to complicated and emotional conversations to find ways of aligning on the application. In some cases, individuals are concerned about stories they’ve heard from others that has led them to be fearful of certain diagnoses or adoptive outcomes. Of the couples that come for preparatory counselling, the majority want support in exploring this very aspect of adoption.
Matching a child with their adoptive family is a very tender and great responsibility. Adoption agencies can help you walk through what they’ve learned about making strong successful matches. Your job is to be as transparent and honest about what you think you can offer – not everyone is equipped for every scenario, and the best interest of the child means being open to saying what you can and cannot open yourself up to.
Here are three important considerations to be aware of while you’re sorting all of this out:
Assess your own capacities and strengths
Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself about what you feel are your limitations. We all have them, and for a match to be in the best interest of the child, you need to be transparent about what you’re bringing to the table and what isn’t feasible for you to parent well. For some, there are real limitations in terms of having the resources to properly care for the needs of a child with a physical disability. For others, their own mental health might be at stake if they parent a child with particular mental, emotional or developmental conditions. Consider what strengths you bring based on your lived experience, your skill set, your education or your family’s dynamic. Be willing to name what brings up concern or hesitancy for you and allow yourself to process that until it becomes clear whether or not it remains outside of your capacity or if it becomes something you’ve realised is within your ability to support and parent well.
Assess your community and supports
You’ve heard the phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child”, and this couldn’t be more true of children who come from hard places, have had ruptured attachments, and who need to be surrounded by those who can nurture their identity. Know your community. What professional support might you need to access down the road and are those available to you where you live, medical or otherwise? Know the cultural makeup of your community and whether or not your child’s culture is represented there well. Dive deep into understanding common struggles for transracial adoptees. Consider your extended family, friends and natural support system and what they can provide as your family grows and develops. Look into local groups for adoptees and adoptive parents so you feel part of a collective or network of support.
Find safe places to explore the hard questions.
Inherent in the stakes and vulnerability of applying to adopt a child, is the authority of the adoption agency in determining whether or not you’re “fit” to move ahead in the process. While there are guidelines in place, it is clear that there are subjective aspects to how social workers assess where prospective adoptive parents are at in their readiness. That power dynamic often results in people being less than transparent about their personal or interpersonal challenges, what they are willing to say they feel ready for in fear of being judged or misunderstood, and feeling like asking too many questions might sabotage their chances. If this fits for you in any way, I would strongly encourage you to reach out to an adoption-aware therapist who can help you confidentially sort through the worries and concerns so you can come out the other side with integrity and clarity. Both you as parents and your child(ren) will benefit from you doing so.
On my podcast, Parenting in the Trenches, we’re running a series of episodes on the topic of adoption. Several episodes address risk factor and matching related conversations with expert guests who can provide further insight for you. Feel free to check that out wherever you listen to your podcasts or follow this link to my podcast page: https://www.my.thrive-life.ca/parenting-in-the-trenches
We’re constantly exploring ways of supporting the adoptive family triad, and one way we’ve brought that to light is through an online course supporting adoptive couples to ensure their relationship is best prepared for the adoptive journey, for co-parenting well, and for gaining the trauma-informed, adoption-specific parenting skills that will foster attuned, responsive and secure family dynamics. Adoption: What to do while you wait is a self-paced, evidence-based, 10 module course.
Wishing you all the best wherever your family is at on this journey!
Karen Peters
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Adoptive Parent
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