Coping in the Midst of COVID-19:
mental health scaffolding for the family

Whether or not you’re feeling heightened anxiety about the COVID-19 outbreak, the measures unfolding in our communities and countries require a massive shift in our homes and families. There’s no avoiding it! When systems require sudden change, we are forced to cope. We may be struggling with a drop in income and uncertainty about where the money will come from in the coming weeks and months. What basics do we focus on and what accommodations do we need to make for the changes to be sustainable? It’s never been more true, that you’re not in this alone. We are ALL impacted and all trying to adapt to the restrictions imposed on us for our own good. While we might be on board with the principles of these needed changes, they are still hard changes to make. They are particularly tough on families with young kids. Today BC announced indefinite school closures. Daycare closures are likely just around the corner. So where does that leave YOU? 

So much of what’s out there centres around the increased numbers of cases and the hardships to come. But today I want to offer some strategies for coping from the lens of a therapist and the lens of a parent with school-aged kids. There are things we CAN do to weather this storm well. We can build supportive scaffolding around our precious constructed family units. We have personal, family and community resources at our fingertips. If we spend our energy focussed on what’s happening TO us, we have less energy to apply to adapting, problem solving and exercising our creativity. We can face this – we’ll do it together. 

1. Find ways to stay grounded and regulated. Anxiety and stress increase at times like this. That’s natural, but we want to be able to manage and channel that energy to our advantage, not to our detriment. 
   1. Moving our bodies is one way to do that. Make a jar with ideas on strips of paper that you or the kids can pull from when they are feeling worried or pent up. Brainstorm and write down physical activities like “dance party”, “wii sports”, “10 min of yoga poses”, “20 jumping jacks and 10 sit ups”, “run around the block”, “walk the dog”, “have a tickle war”, and so on. 
   2. Another way to stay grounded is to share how we’re feeling with someone and have them listen attentively and validate what we’re feeling. Pick a time of the day to check in with one another and ask each other how we’re feeling and why. Be understanding of one another and not critical. If writing your feelings down is easier or more effective for you, do that.
   3. Be aware of your breathing. Being at home all day week in and week out will put us more in a sedentary state than normal. Be sure to pay attention to your breath. Take some deep breaths throughout your day – these deep breaths activate important nerves in your body that help you feel more calm but still alert and ready to engage with the people around you or the tasks you’re doing. Take lots of little breaks from desk work if you’re working from home. Drink water regularly. If the sun is shining, open up those blinds and sit in it for 5 min. Take a regular pulse on how you’re feeling and take good care of yourself.
   4. Maintain some predictability. Help kids (and yourself), keep a routine – something that can be counted on. Things like morning and bedtime routines are key. Eating well is another. Knowing what can and can’t be options for daily activities is another. Keep talking so kids know what they can count on rather than feel they have to live in the anxiety of guessing.
2. Containment of information – it’s so easy to get inundated with information – particularly because it’s constantly changing so our urge to stay tuned in all the time is strong. But here’s the thing. It’s not necessary or likely healthy for you to be plugged into the updates 24/7. Choose a time each day to research or become up to date with the relevant information, and turn it off in between. Be the boss of your social media instead of it ruling you. 
   1. And that goes for spreading information as well. Be thoughtful and responsible with what you share online. If it’s shocking, perhaps that’s not the reason you should be sharing it. If it’s helpful, consider who you want to share it with and in what way. If it feeds panic, pause yourself and check in about why you want to forward or share that post. The virus is contagious enough, we do not need to add a pandemic of fear to our already stressed out systems.  
   2. And then there’s containment of information for kids. Our whole lives do not need to revolve around the virus. The virus might be forcing us to make some changes, but that doesn’t mean we are the virus. Don’t forget about the rest of what makes up our lives. Talk about the things that matter, the values you hold as a family, the opportunities to help and support one another, that the sun still rises and sets with each new day. Acknowledge the good and normal parts of our lives that can continue rather than letting those things get lost in the mix of change and worry. Talk with your kids in an authentic way, but in a way that points to our capacity, not our limitations. 
3. Be intentional with screen time. If ever there was a time where turning to screens for entertainment was tempting, it’s now. And go for it, but in an intentional way. There are loads of educational websites that are aimed at kids by their age group, who offer engaging activities that you can feel good about them doing and can offer you the time as parents to get some of your work done. You won’t be the only parent doing this, so get online with your parent friends out there and start exchanging secrets – what sites have they checked out? What games are you able to endorse? Binge watching shows can quickly become the default, so try choosing screen options that can more easily be contained either by time or by activity. There are lots of great apps out there as well, that are designed with kids’ physical and mental health in mind. 
4. Kids need structure, particularly during anxious-ridden times. We all do, actually. As families, we can proactively create new routines that fit the current times. Ensure there’s opportunity for body movement, social engagement within our families, face time or video chats with people outside our families that we’d normally see or speak with, outdoor time, and play or activities that engage different parts of our brains – both the logical and the creative sides. Use your senses. Here’s what we do at home to keep our kids participating in family life and create some structure during holidays. This can be used during this time of social distancing and given our spring break will last much longer than expected, it will come in handy as a tool in your coping kit.

DAILY LIST FOR KIDS:

• Prep yourself for a real day – no pj’s 24/7! Get dressed, have a solid breakfast and brush those teeth. 
• Family helping task – do something that contributes to the family’s wellbeing. Laundry, tidy a room, do the dishes, help make lunch, find 5 things to give to a thrift store, organize your toys, sort your books, etc.
• Do something creative – a craft, makes cards, send someone a letter, bake, color, draw, puzzle, dance, practice an instrument, build something out of cardboard or lego, make a new music playlist. Pinterest comes in handy for these ideas!
• Do something active – play a sport, dance, go for a walk/run, stretch or do yoga, go for a bike ride, start a garden, find a new trail to explore, try gonoodle.com for kid-friendly videos that invite kids to move and have fun.
• Read a book for 30 min – quietly or with someone
• Do something or say something kind to someone
• Write down 5 things you are grateful for or appreciate
• Play a game with someone or quietly by yourself
• Spend 15 min doing something that feels like a challenge – something you want to grow in, try or learn about
• When your list is done, set a timer for 1 hour of screen time

1. Look for opportunities to rethink participation in day to day tasks. Instead of rolling ahead with things you each normally take care of, pause and think about how to include one another in those tasks. Here are some ideas:
   1. Food supplies are changing. We can panic about our usual foods not being readily available to us, or, we can change the way we shop and make meals. Turn on that problem-solving part of your brain instead of pushing the panic button. Instead of making a list of ingredients for preplanned meals, go to the store and select from what’s available and then as a family, come up with recipes and meal options based on what you have. Make it a challenge, use creativity!
   2. What are your kids ready to learn based on their ages and skill level? Maybe life was too hectic and routine to realize that your 12 year old is now ready for new responsibilities, they just haven’t been taught those yet. Now might be the time! Is there a life skill you can invest some time in teaching them that will not just serve your family’s needs now, but for them as individuals later? Can they start learning some basic meal prep? Can your child practice their spelling by making the grocery list? Can she empty the dishwasher? Can he vacuum the floor? 

Your outlook can go a long way. It can set the stage for how our kids cope. Be aware of your own anxiety and how you’re managing it. Remember to keep playfulness in your daily lives, and exercise problem solving as a way of moving your anxiety into a sense of competence and capacity. Find ways to stay connected to others while social distancing measures are being taken. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t do. 

Breathe deep, stay engaged and connected. You’ve got this!