“It is compassion—suffering with the other, that will help to heal the world.”
~ J. Cacciatore ~
2020 has been an interesting year to say the least. It began by bombarding us with a global pandemic, and continued with news of mass shootings, unjust killings, violent protests, political unrest, and mixed media messages. It felt like we were living out the script of a sci-fi movie. It felt surreal. Whispers of a second wave in the fall loomed over our heads, but deep down we all hoped it would just miraculously go away. So here we are in November, and yes, the second wave is upon us. It feels different. We have encountered unimaginable changes to our world and experienced many devastating losses. Anxiety and depression are still rampant, as we try to make sense of and cope in this new reality of uncertainty and disarray. We are tired and want to get back to some semblance of normalcy. School started, we began seeing more clients in person…hope seemed to be within our grasp, and then the number of Covid-19 cases went up. Now it’s kind of like we are all holding our breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. The air is thick with worry. The smallest things require significant energy. We have all been traumatized to some degree as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic. Questions abound, but a few keep circling back:
How do we continue on in the chaos, with the uncertainty, with the fear of what ifs around every corner?
Is there hope to be found when there is no end in site?
Being a trauma therapist who specializes in grief and loss, I walk alongside of clients who are suffering greatly. Losing a loved one is a devastating, traumatic event, and Covid-19 has intensified the pain. Trauma responses are being triggered and a whole host of dynamics have entered the picture that no one expected. How do we process the injustice of not being able to be with our loved ones who are dying? How do we help those who are deeply lonely after losing a spouse or partner, and now are isolated from others as well? Fear lurks around us. What traumas will accompany this time in our lives? The uncertainty and shattered assumptions about the world are bringing to the surface past painful experiences, intense anxiety, deep depression, and are further complicating the suffering. We all need safe, secure places to process our experiences and our losses, and often this has been with family and friends, colleagues and co-workers. Now we are afraid to shake hands, to hug each other or even get close in proximity to others, let alone share our deepest fears. How do we continue on amidst the suffering with new fears and injustices added to the mix?
Unfortunately, there is no set of prescribed answers. There is not a list of ten things that you can do to stop the chaos and uncertainty. But in the uncertainty and in spite of the constraints, we can seek out windows of freedom. Viktor Frankl (1946), neurologist, psychiatrist, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning (an account of his experience as a prisoner in a concentration camp), states that in spite of suffering, we can find meaning by becoming aware that there is something that cannot be taken away by any power in the world. He asserts this is the freedom “to be” and the ability to make decisions, no matter how small. Frankl gives examples of how to do this that include saying YES to life, where you can. He tells of prisoners that he worked with who used their freedom to say hello to each other in the morning, others who glanced at the sky and through their eyes drew another prisoner to also look. He shared how experiences like a sunset or the form of the clouds or to see a flower even in the concentration camp became a source of energy and connection to life. They verified that beauty still existed. These little windows of freedom had a huge impact on their humanity, in spite of the horrid conditions under which they lived. If we only look to overcome a situation, we can very quickly lose hope. By looking for windows of freedom—moments where we can just be, and relational value—moments where we can be with others, we can learn to endure and bear whatever comes our way, specifically this pandemic. These three words may help:
COURAGE, COMPASSION, and CONNECTION = HOPE
1. COURAGE
When it feels like the world is collapsing around us, one of the most important things we can do is take courage. By taking courage, we give support, confidence and hope to others, as well as ourselves. However, it can be difficult when we are all experiencing our own pain, fear, and unstable conditions of life. It takes courage to face our pain, to face our deepest fears, and to walk alongside of others in theirs. Taking courage includes being brave enough to admit we are not doing okay and mustering up the nerve to tell someone. We can learn to feel our feelings, and seek help if need be. One of the best things to come out of the restrictions of Covid-19 is the convenience of seeking help through video platforms. Technology has been a great aid in connecting us to doctors, counsellors, food delivery, loved ones in hospitals and care facilities, and more. Amidst the suffering, and in spite of the uncertainty, we are all searching for the same thing—a glimmer of hope and a light at the end of this tunnel. Take courage, you are not in this alone. Decide to start taking courage, just a little every day. Others will certainly follow.
Here are a few ideas in taking courage…
a. We can allow for and validate our own emotions.
“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a [person] had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”
~ V. Frankl ~
Human beings have a way of avoiding unpleasant feelings, specifically around the topics of grief, loss, and suffering. Now, more than ever, it is time to stop avoiding and let what comes come. You are feeling heightened emotions because there are BIG things going on in our world. The living conditions have changed and something is threatening us as a global community. It is normal and expected that we would all be feeling BIG emotions. This is too much for anyone to bear. Suppressing feelings is not the best way to make them go away. One of the bravest things you can do is to take a closer look at how you are doing in this pandemic and be real and authentic about it. Give yourself permission to have your feelings. Expect them and be curious about them. This is a window of freedom. I tell my client’s that feelings are your friends. They tell you that you care about something. They rise up when your values have been crossed. They tell you that something needs a closer look. When anxiety comes it usually means that you need more information about something or that something needs to be addressed. It doesn’t just go away. Anxiety will actually do the opposite. If it is suppressed, it will often come up when you are not expecting it (eg. panic attacks). Sometimes just sitting with the anxiety can be a great exercise. Frankl reminds us that there is a freedom in being able to be. See if you can be with an emotion for 1 minute, maybe 2 minutes. Be curious about it. Validate it. What does it need? This can lead you to taking action (breathing, grounding, mindfulness), which in itself reduces anxiety. Validating our feelings is the single most effective way to soothe them. So take courage and find a way to feel your feelings; either on your own or in the held space with a counsellor. Allowing for and validating our emotions is one of life’s greatest freedoms.
b. We can acknowledge our losses and grieve them.
“Grief that is dismissed, suppressed, or silenced harms individuals, families, and communities.”
~ J. Rubin ~
Each one of us is experiencing losses in this pandemic. There are certainly death losses, but a lot of people are also going through non-death losses that are greatly impacting them. Turning towards the felt loss is the only way through the pain. When we experience losses, our first reaction is usually to downplay them, and to tell ourselves that we are okay. We try to convince ourselves that we need to accept it and move on. Research shows that this is not the way through. Losses need to be grieved. It takes great courage to be with our suffering. It is much easier to pretend that it is not ours. We can fill our time with distractions and with busyness, but the loss will still affect us. Grieving is just turning towards what has been lost. If it is a loved one, allow for tears and sadness. We can’t grieve without feeling the very present absence of the person who died. In my work with the bereaved, I recommend giving yourself permission to grieve however you need to. Grieving is a natural, necessary process that is unique to each individual. It includes the full spectrum of emotions- sadness, anger, guilt, regret, anxiety, depressed mood, etc. and it is a life-long process that continues to unfold for years. It can be facilitated through rituals, remembrances, and legacy building. And most importantly, it involves continuing a bond with the person who died. We get to decide how we want to carry the person with us in life. This is the window of freedom that helps us re-engage in life. Every life is valuable and I often remind my bereaved clients that every person in our history classes died and we still talk about them. Remember, grief that is dismissed, suppressed, or silenced harms us. You don’t have to “let go,” “move on,” “accept,” or “find closure” after someone has died. It takes courage, but you can decide to talk about them and carry them with you in a meaningful way.
2. COMPASSION
Enduring and bearing suffering are difficult to do, but once we do this with our own pain and fears, we are better equipped to walk with others in their suffering. Joanne Cacciatore, a renowned grief expert, says, “Those who have deeply suffered understand life in ways others cannot.” It takes great courage to enter into our own suffering, but it is suffering that transforms us into more compassionate people. And compassion is the way back to the world. Having compassion literally means to “suffer together.” It includes walking along side of each other, sharing our stories, bearing witness to each other’s pain, and collectively experiencing the full spectrum of emotions that come up. It includes allowing for vulnerability and awkwardness, as we will never know exactly what to say. It includes looking past idiosyncrasies and opinion to see the person, and to do this we need authenticity, empathy, and compassion. This requires courage. We cannot do this life alone. We need each other, and we need to embrace more empathic, compassionate ways of being so that we can bear each other’s burdens. This is the path of freedom that will heal the world.
Here are a few ideas on having compassion…
a. We can allow for and validate other’s emotions.
“When we listen we hear someone into existence.”
~ L. Buchanan ~
As a global community, we have experienced intense emotions as a result of Covid-19. Robert Stolorow says we all need relational homes for our painful experiences. He describes this as a context of emotional understanding in which these experiences can be shared and held. Studies show that emotions heal when they are heard and validated. Unfortunately, despite the fact that we all experience anxiety, depression, losses and hardships, there still seems to be a type of avoidance or denial, and a brand of positivity that is harmful to people experiencing pain. Some call this toxic positivity. It is important to recognize that pushing positivity, especially during a pandemic when everyone is being affected in so many different ways, can be damaging and injurious because it negates our suffering. Validation is essential to bear witness to the experience. Validation allows another person’s emotional state a place to be held, a space to exist, and is essential in processing. It takes courage and compassion to provide a context of human understanding to hold suffering. This can help painful feelings to gradually become more bearable. The pandemic has shaken the very ground we stand on. Suffering is all around us. Can we offer a relational home to those around us? One that does not require us to fix them, but to just listen and hold the space for others to share.
b. We can walk with others who are grieving.
“Taste my tears and they will dry up on their own.”
~ Akiane ~
A person who has lost something valuable is not able to find the good until they have processed what has been lost. Processing the loss of something valuable means having the courage to turn towards the pain and feel it. In our society, there is an overarching desire to move from sadness to joy and this can complicate the grieving process if done too quickly. Research recognizes that grieving is a shared relational process that involves grieving individually, within families, with friends and with others in our communities. We tend to do more of this in the first month after a death loss, but rituals and remembrances are important throughout the grieving process, which continues throughout our lifetimes. Death and non-death losses, both need to be grieved and grieving needs to be shared. When the world feels out of control, rituals provide order in the midst of the chaos. Rituals and remembrances are a great way to involve others and facilitate shared grieving. Engaging in rituals helps people feel more grounded, and connected to others. Every time we have a ritual or remembrance it helps us express our love, process the loss, and integrate it into our lives.
In walking with others who are grieving it is important to ask people how they are doing. It is essential to listen, validate, and empathize. If it’s a death loss, we ask about their loved one by name. If it’s a non-death loss, we listen to how this loss has impacted their life. Allow others to feel what they are feeling, don’t correct, and don’t fill the silence with empty plateaus. If tears flow, let them. Hold the space and listen for a deep breath or a sigh. Remember you cannot fix this, you cannot make it better, but you can be with others in their pain. Your compassion is central to your connection with others.
3. CONNECTION
“May there be such a oneness between us that when one weeps the other tastes salt.”
~Kahlil Gibran~
The above quote touched me deeply, as I read it and imagined what it would take to be that connected to each other. In my work, there are a lot of tears. I have learned to sit with them. To witness the tears of another and not have the urge to stop them has been a journey. I believe that in order to encounter the other we have to be able to be with them in their suffering and in their joy. In my own experience of losing my 15-year-old daughter, I was able to be with others in joy once they were safe enough to hold my tears. When there is encounter, there is connection and this is where safety and security can grow. Sharing in suffering leads to deeper and stronger encounters, which deeply connect us to each other and staying connected is a fundamental human need. As the world experiences such profound changes, it is essential to seek out connections.
This is the time to recognize our freedoms amidst the current conditions of life. We are free to connect to ourselves. We are free to connect to nature. We are free to get to know our own fears and feelings. We are free to connect to our grief. We are free to have compassion and to connect to others through their painful experiences. We are free to grieve with others. We are free to bear witness collectively to what is going on around us. We are free to seek connection (even though there are many restrictions). It is essential to our survival to find ways to say yes to life and at the same time face the suffering and uncertainty. Learning to do both is key. Collectively, we may need to stay in this holding pattern a little longer, but there are many freedoms to find, if we look for them. What one freedom can you find this week?
TAKE COURAGE, BE COMPASSIONATE, and SEEK CONNECTION.
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