I’ll bet you (and perhaps even your partner) did a stellar job doing all the right things in preparing for your new, precious family member: you read the books, researched online, followed IG accounts about all things Baby, you cleaned like a banshee, set up the nursery, and bought all the highly recommended gadgets that will make your life a little easier.
And then you’re screaming ray of sunshine arrives on the scene and the two of you sleep-deprived adults silently but knowingly lock eyes and wonder how the heck you’re going to slog through the coming months and still come out strong teammates and partners on the other side. This gig is no joke, folks.
Don’t get me wrong – the joy of growing your family can still genuinely be there, but more often than not, couples find themselves surprised by the struggle, the hardness of it, the reality. It’s a “both-and” experience and it’s okay to acknowledge that and wrap your supports around you accordingly.
This perfect baby you hold demands an abrupt shift of your 24/7 attention and attunement. Your nervous system has just jumped into the deep end of the pool and you could probably use a lifejacket. My hope is that your partner is someone who can throw it to you, but that can take some specific “know-how’s” that many partners feel ill-prepared for. This blog post is here to help, so be sure to share this with your partner so they can feel more confident in participating in that 4th trimester (which, by the way, sets the partner-parenting patterns for much longer than that!).
Okay partners, we’ve got your back. Here are 6 concrete ways you can show up for your person:
1. Ask & Notice
Don’t be afraid to check in with your partner regularly about what they need support around. You don’t need to read their mind, and a person’s needs change regularly. Get in the habit of checking in.
Sometimes partners are too overwhelmed to know what they need but you might pick up on cues based on their emotions, changes in how they act, or things they are reacting to. Pay attention to your partner and get curious about what you’re noticing. If you notice a need, but aren’t sure how to help, you can say something like “It looks like you’re more exhausted than usual, what can I do to help you get some rest?”.
2. Don’t underestimate yourself
Too often, the parent who isn’t breastfeeding, the parent who didn’t give birth, the parent who “fill in the blank”, assume they can’t play a role in those areas, but this is far from the truth. You have unique skills, energy and opportunity to participate and support these aspects of parenting that are highly valuable. If you are unsure about how to help, make it your mission to learn about ways you might be able to contribute. Just because one of you seems more “natural” at it, doesn’t mean it can’t be a shared endeavour.
3. Take the reigns
When it’s clear something needs doing, take a lead. Half of the struggle new and tired parents face is the mental load of having to plan and arrange for the help. This works well when you yourself aren’t able to do what’s helpful – make the calls, set the boundaries, make the appointments, run the errands, order the groceries, call someone in to clean the house, and so on.
4. Be reliable
Nothing helps build your partner’s trust in you than following through. If you’re making promises to help out in some way, let them put their minds at ease by doing the thing you promised. This might seem obvious, but oftentimes we do things on our own timelines according to our own sense of urgency, which doesn’t match the need of our partner and leaves them worried it won’t get done. It can help by articulating your plan clearly so your partner knows what they can count on.
5. Provide emotional support
Please know that while it might feel lame, insignificant or even useless, you cannot listen and validate your partner enough. This is that zone where you don’t “fix”, but just hear them – you give them the space to vent, communicate and express emotion so it doesn’t get bottled up. Follow up with some simple statements that show you get it, and you’re gold. “I can totally see that, you must feel exhausted” or “I hear ya, the flow of people in our home has been overwhelming” or “I think it’s pretty normal to feel like this, I’m here for you”.
6. Have your partner’s back
Look for ways to align, whether this is around boundaries with extended family, how you want to go about childcare or just taking breaks, supporting what brings your partner to life (perhaps time for reflection, a hobby, connection with other adults, movement outdoors, etc) or communicating regularly to your partner that you’re a team in this – they are not alone.
On my podcast, Parenting in the Trenches, we’re in the middle of a series on “Expecting Baby”, and my guests from various professional and personal walks of life echo what the long-standing research says on couples with new babies – it’s one of THE most altering, stressful and impactful times on your love relationship. In fact, according to the Gottman Institute (trust me, these people know what they’re talking about) almost 70% of new parents express their satisfaction in their couple relationship tanks during the first year of parenting. So if you find yourself in this statistic, you can now ditch the idea that you’re alone in this experience. You’re not.
But we don’t stop there in our conversations – we look for ways through, strategies to help guide us and improve our connections, and hope that we are bigger than any challenge currently in front of us if we get brave enough to face it and deal with it together.
I’d encourage you to tune in for that series as we talk with a sleep consultant, fathering expert, perinatal mental health advocate, and others, about specific aspects of partnering well and caring for yourself and your baby. We want you to have the tools in your kit that will help your whole family thrive.
Let me leave you with a challenge:
Create a list of 3 tangible things you can do to make your partner feel understood, taken care of, and honoured. It might be taking a night bottle feed on weekends or back rubs after dinner. Perhaps it’s taking the dishes out of their hands and taking over that day’s duties unexpectedly, or hugging them a little longer than usual. Get creative, you don’t need to nail it right away. Treat it like a science experiment – test out what helps your partner and be open to feedback about the things that don’t, then adapt and keep going. After all, needs change and parenting is a long-haul deal.
Here’s to having one another’s backs. You’ve got this!
Parenting in the Trenches Podcast
Relationship Course for Expecting Couples & New Parents
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