Let’s Talk: Resilience

Merriam Webster’s Definition of Resilience

noun

re·sil·ience | \ ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s \

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

(Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience)

 

In talking with clients about resiliency, I hear all kinds of interesting…and wrong…definitions of the word. Many people believe that resilience is about braving one’s way through difficult times unscathed, or coming out even better than how we went in. For those that endure difficulty with a sense of hardship, deeply marred and impressed upon by the events surrounding them, there is a belief that they cannot possibly be resilient because of the scars they bear. Even Webster’s definition outlined above is flawed – it contains the word “easily”. I don’t know about you, but in my several decades of living as a human and decade working as a counselling therapist, I have yet to meet someone who recovers from misfortune “easily”. Some people seem to be able to recover with greater ease than others, but let me be clear that it is never “easy” for anyone.

So what is resilience, really? If even Webster’s Dictionary has got it wrong, what does it look like to get it right? And how can we strive to build our resilience?

Lindsay’s Real-Life Definition of Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune, stress or change in a way that accepts the truth of the suffering, acknowledges the depth of impact the suffering has (note the tense, the impacts of suffering may be a continuing state to some extent or degree), and seeks to make the suffering and its impacts a meaningful part of our self-narrative.

Ok…let’s unpack that.

1. Resilience is not the absence of suffering. Note that the definition is based on the assumption of suffering. When we see people who are living “easy” lives, while our own lives feel inundated with hardship, it is overly simplistic to assume the other person is more resilient. Resilience can only be found in the midst of difficulty, challenge and suffering.
2. Resilience is cultivated. Abilities are qualities that we have some degree of innate access to, but are further enhanced through practice. For example, someone might have an innate ability to throw a ball well. But if that person never practices that ability, it is unlikely to yield a pro baseball career. Meanwhile, if that ability is practiced and intentionally cultivated, it is more likely to improve and become an enhanced skill set that stands out above the rest. Similarly, resilience is a cultivated skill. As humans, we are all born with an ability to be resilient, but this is honed and enhanced through practice. Now, that doesn’t mean we must throw ourselves into suffering headlong in hopes of getting our practice in. Just like in the baseball metaphor, the practice is most fruitful when it is coached, supported and encouraged – not just throwing a ball willy-nilly all alone at the side of a wall. Likewise, resilience is best cultivated when it is modeled by others, and when we are coached and supported through our own hardships.
3. Resilience is accepting. Resilience does not mean changing ones circumstances or pretending as if the suffering isn’t happening. Resilience means accepting what is, and really owning that it is happening. We can’t adjust to something when we are ignorant of it.
4. Resilience says “this is hard”. Resilience is not silent suffering. Resilience means acknowledging what is happening. More than accepting what is happening, this step means outwardly stating that things are hard and seeking support. Resilience acknowledges that it’s not just the immediate suffering that’s hard, but also the ongoing (sometimes longstanding) impacts that the initial suffering had. Resilience seeks support not only for the immediate suffering, but also for the impacts.
5. Resilience narrates the story. When we recount to ourselves or others the story of how we walked through a time of suffering, resilience is the narrator. Resilience narrates the story through the lens of scars earned in the battle life hands us. It tells the tales of wisdom earned at a high cost. Resilience names the wounds and the ways the wounds changed us. Resilience seeks to find the ways that the story of suffering is meaningful to our human journey.
6. Let me say it again, it is never easy. Resilience is the process of moving from victim (something hard happening to me), to survivor (something hard I have overcome) to THRIVER (something hard that happened to me, I overcame and I found a way to turn it into something meaningful). That is what a ThriveLife is all about. If you need support in yours, reach out, the time is now.