Lately I’ve had a lot of adult men coming in for counselling for what at first, sounds like relationship concerns or the need for couples communication skills. When asked what they would like to talk about in therapy, I hear answers like:
- “She thinks I get angry all the time, so we can never finish a conversation”
- “I can’t handle it when things take so long, so I just leave early. It’s not worth it”
- “People say I talk too much or I’m too loud, but I just have a lot of ideas – is that so wrong to share them?”
- “We end up fighting all the time. It’s hard to stay on one topic – it tends to leap from one problem to another, and then we walk away frustrated because we didn’t get a chance to solve anything”
- “They say I don’t pay attention when we talk”
- “I feel like my partner nags me all the time, like I’m being parented, criticized or micromanaged”
After learning a little more, a common thread is that they felt similar ways in childhood, but may have just been from authority figures. Experiences like often being in trouble in school for talking too much, being distracted, unable to follow instructions, having social difficulties in class and on the playground, not “listening” to adults, unable to sit still, being bored easily or trouble finishing a task. Some were even diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder as a child, but figured they should have long grown out of it by now.
The truth is, ADHD used to be viewed as something that phased out with development, so we’ve been told to believe that would be the case. We now know that this is rarely the case. There was a time when this diagnosis was overused, and in fact, a portion of the children diagnosed with ADHD, actually struggled with other mental health concerns that looked similar in terms of how they interfered with day to day life – like anxiety, for instance. For those with true ADHD, the way in which it interfered with their lives may have changed, and so many started to believe they struggled with a new issue, or just didn’t see the connection between their adult struggles and ADHD. As children grow, they learn skill sets to work around things like impulsivity or the need for constant movement, making ADHD look like it’s “going away”. In addition, even if stimulant medication helped in childhood, many stop taking medication when they have a say, either as teens or as early adults. There is often more room to move without criticism as we enter our 20’s, more socially acceptable places to seek the needed action or have opportunities to be impulsive without being reprimanded. Moving from place to place is now seen as “adventurous”, and seeking out high levels of stimulus is viewed as being “social, outgoing or the life of the party”. Long term relationships aren’t typically the goal at this stage of life, so you don’t get the feedback about having short term or low-level commitment with others.
However, societal expectations shift after the early 20’s, and holding down a job, finishing higher education, being able to commit to a long term relationship, and being able to “go the distance” to meet high-level goals in your future, become valued. That’s where the tension re-emerged for these men. They talked about how they bounce from job to job, looking for something that excites them or provides a constant challenge to keep them engaged, how things don’t ever feel like they happen fast enough. Being self-employed is often the preference, because working for others is so hard, and yet working for yourself means you carry the full responsibility of following through on things and not missing the details.They talk about feeling too impatient, restless or unfulfilled. About how they find themselves arguing a lot with people, and “don’t get where the other person is coming from”. They are driven by goals that are concrete and measurable, so things that are abstract or nuanced, feel frustrating and purposeless. There’s a tendency to take over in a conversation, to interrupt people because another important thought popped into their heads and they don’t want to forget it.
Two things tend to happen for adults with ADHD – they fall further on the edges of the spectrum – either putting them repeatedly in situations where they feel they have failed, or finding themselves in high level, high stress jobs that demand their focus, intelligence, and agility. Either way, the nature of loving and connected adult relationships can be a significant struggle, because communicating effectively, being understanding, having a shared purpose, and moving forward in a unified or collaborative way, takes patience, attunement, and a willingness to continue growing with long term goals (that can change on the way) in mind.
So what can you do? Here’s what I’ve learned from my clients:
- Read up on ADHD in adulthood – grow in your understanding of how ADHD might be affecting you and your relationships.
- Own it – ADHD doesn’t have to be a problem. There are effective strategies for making it work FOR you instead of AGAINST you.
- Consider being assessed by a Counsellor, Doctor, or by starting with a self-assessment scale online. Then consider whether or not medication might be of help.
- Talk with someone who understands ADHD – a Counsellor, Psychologist or Psychiatrist who can help you figure out what might be getting in your way, and strategies to address those concerns.
I’ve watched my clients come to a relieving recognition that their brains work in exceptional ways, and that learning to work with those neuro pathways in the brain can bring more satisfaction in relationships, a sense of success in personal goals, and a greater understanding and compassion for themselves. There’s lots of great info out there – here are a couple of resources to get you started:
https://www.additudemage.com/adhd-in-adults
https://www.ted.com/talks/jessicamccabe
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