Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, which means many couples are planning for (or hoping for) a bit of romance. For new couples, every day can feel like Valentine’s Day, with feelings of attraction, passion, and curiosity riding high. However, for many people in long-term relationships the holiday can start to feel like an uncomfortable reminder of how long it’s been since you’ve really felt “the spark”. It is commonly accepted that romantic connection gradually fades over time. Evidently, passionate love, characterized by excitement, intrigue, and sexual attraction, morphs into companionate love, characterized by warmth, friendship, and mutual trust (Acevedo & Aron., 2009). For many people this an acceptable shift. On the other hand, many people grow deeply dissatisfied with a relationship devoid of romance, which can in turn lead to conflict or dissolution. So, the question is: are those seeking long-term romance doomed for disappointment? Why does the spark inevitably seem to fade and is there anything we can do to reignite it?
When we get too comfortable
There are many reasons romance may start to dwindle in relationships. Certainly, high conflict levels, poor communication, limited quality time together, and general negative sentiment can contribute to dissatisfaction in relationships accompanied by diminished romantic connection. These are the issues frequently addressed in couples counselling, after which we often see improvements in both physical and emotional intimacy. But what about a lack of romance in otherwise stable and healthy relationships? In my practice, couples often present to me stating that their relationship has come to resemble that of platonic friends or even roommates. Over the years, we become so habituated to our partners that we can become bored or complacent. Ironically, the qualities that initially drew us to our partners are the very traits that can start to repel us. We take our partners for granted and feel we know everything there is to know about each other. We may enjoy the sense of closeness we’ve developed over the years, but sometimes it feels as if there is a bit too much closeness.
The paradox of love
Esther Perel is an acclaimed writer and couples therapist who talks at length about the inherent contradiction in modern relationships: love versus desire. On the one hand, we need our partners to provide us with a sense of stability, dependability, and comfort. On the other, we need adventure, mystery, and excitement. These needs seem to directly contradict each other, and yet we want them from the same person. As Perel (2006) says, to love is to have, while to desire is to want…so how can we want what we already have?
This dilemma isn’t necessarily one we seek to solve but rather, a balancing act we navigate through indefinitely. We need closeness without fusion; intimacy that maintains mystery. We are connected but must always be separate — as it is the space in between where desire develops (Perel, 2006). The good news is research shows that long-term romantic connection characterized by intensity, sexual interest, and engagement is indeed possible (yay!), and is associated with marital satisfaction and mental wellness (Acevedo & Aron., 2009). What follows is a few tips on how to keep the spark going.
Challenge the idea that your partner belongs to you
As mentioned above, one of the challenges with long-term romantic passion is that it is difficult to sustain a sense of desire for something we already have. But consider the idea that commitment does not mean you “have” somebody. As Perel puts it, your partner is “at best, on loan with the option to renew” (Mindvalley Talks, 2017). We need to respect our partners as separate, autonomous people with roles, minds, and complexities that will always be somewhat elusive to us. Furthermore, we should acknowledge that our relationships are ongoing acts of engagement, never guaranteed to continue longer than the effort we put in.
Self-expansion
One way to increase romantic passion is to engage in activities that elicit a sense of adventure, novelty, and learning. Researchers call this “self-expansion” (Carswell et al., 2021; Muise et al., 2019). Historically, the focus was on relational self-expansion: introducing new activities for couples to engage in together, such as taking a class (e,g., cooking, dancing, a new language), trying a new hobby/sport, or changing patterns of sexual interaction (e.g., role-play). Experiencing something new with your partner can spark a sense of excitement and playfulness which can then translate to positive affect and romantic connection.
We have also seen that personal self-expansion (engaging in self-development activities by yourself) can benefit a relationship. The sense of reward and vitality that can be gained from personal self-expansion can carry over to our relationships when we share these feelings with our partners (Carswell et al., 2021). Likewise, witnessing our partners’ personal self-expansion can increase feelings of romantic attraction. This is consistent with Perel’s (2006) commentary on the importance of maintaining a sense of separateness where intrigue and desire can grow. When we see our partners engage in something they excel at, something they care about, it is a chance to perceive them from a different angle. I invite you to take the next opportunity to see your partner engage in a sport, hobby, art, or job that is meaningful to them, and notice how they shine!
Being present
A common contributor to staleness in a relationship is a lack of active engagement with each other. Couples often report a desire for more “quality time” together, regardless of how much time they may spending in each other’s presence. Consider the ways in which you typically engage with your partner. Do you maintain eye contact, show genuine interest, and make an effort to understand your partner’s perspective? On the other hand, perhaps you find yourself feeling distracted, rushed, or uninterested. If you relate to the latter you are certainly not alone. Life gets hectic, which makes it harder to really attune to your partner. Still, you may find that the effort you invest into conveying interest, respect, and care in every-day interactions pays dividends over the course of relationship.
Couples’ daily interactions are frequently interrupted by technology devices (smartphones in particular). Increased “technoference” is associated with decreased relationship satisfaction, lower mood, and higher levels of conflict (McDaniel & Coyne, 2016; McDaniel & Drouin, 2019). Making an effort to minimize distractions while interacting with your partner can go a long way to build up a sense of positive sentiment and romantic connection.
Get to know different parts of yourself
Sometimes the dimming spark has more to do with your relationship with yourself than your relationship with your partner. During the chaos of balancing various roles (partner, parent, friend, child, colleague, caregiver, etc.) we can start to lose touch with our playful side. Take a moment to consider the times during which you’ve felt most open, most sensual, most imaginative… Who are you when you suspend your responsibilities (if only for a moment)? There are many ways to reconnect to your inner romantic, whether it be through fantasy, music, movement, art, story-telling, food, laughter, debate, or dress-up. The activity itself may be less important than the degree to which you buy-in to the idea that romance is available to anyone who takes responsibility for creating it. As Perel (2006) so beautifully puts it:
“Eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature.”
Conclusion
It is natural for emotional and physical connection to wax and wane throughout the course of a relationship. Perhaps we will not achieve an enduring state of passion, but rather consistent pockets of romantic connection to punctuate the ups-and-downs of every day life. Call me an optimist, but I like to believe that some sparks can last a lifetime.
About the Author
References:
Acevedo B.P. & Aron A., (2009). Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love? Review of General Psychology, 13(1), 59-65. doi:10.1037/a0014226
Carswell, K. L., Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Horne, R. M., Visserman, M. L., & Impett, E. A. (2021). Growing desire or growing apart? Consequences of personal self-expansion for romantic passion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(2), 354–377. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000357
McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000065
McDaniel, B. T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily technology interruptions and emotional and relational well-being. Computers in Human Behavior, 99, 1-8. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.04.027
Mindvalley Talks. (2017, October 2). Balancing Love & Desire | Esther Perel [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ierRipP-7JA
Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 237-258. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000148
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic + the domestic (1st ed.). HarperCollins.