Many of us have had the experience of opening the dishwasher, only to see that we have a partner who thinks that cups go on the bottom and pots and pans can be scattered amongst the rest with no rhyme or reason. The desire to share with them what the right way to load a dishwasher is and to point out how silly their method is, can be quite strong.
This dishwasher dilemma is the perfect scenario to demonstrate different ways we can communicate our experience, feelings, and needs to our partner without inviting the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Let’s look at two scenarios:
Scenario A:Partner A opens the dishwasher to find a mish mashed puzzle of dishes that immediately induces feelings of frustration, annoyance, and maybe a touch of indignation at the fact their partner would think THIS was the way to do it. They want their partner to know that this is problematic for them, they feel a certain way about it, and they want them to change, all of which are normal feelings and responses in relational dynamics.
Partner B walks in and Partner A may say something like, “why would you load the dishwasher like this? None of them are going to get clean like this and this isn’t how you do it. You load it like a child and now I have to fix it, as per usual” (Criticism and contempt).
Partner B may perceive this as criticism and blame, and may respond with something like, “well at least I did it! Nothing I do is right if it’s not your way! I’m not talking about this with you, I’m going upstairs” (Defensiveness and stonewalling).
This scenario leaves little room for the couple to be curious about their own inner experience or feelings, nor their partners. It creates an environment where the couple is working against each other, rather than the problem.
Scenario B:Partner A opens the dishwasher and still may experience all the same feelings, and that is ok, but they are going to first get curious about what is underneath the initial feelings. Underneath the frustration and annoyance is maybe a narrative that their partner doesn’t care about their time, energy, or items. With this curiosity they can identify what they feel and need, and then shift their reaction.
Partner B walks in, and Partner A say something like, “I appreciate that you load the dishwasher, and I’ve noticed I feel frustrated and upset when I open it. I think it is because I feel as though you don’t value our things or my time when it is loaded like this. Can we work together to find a way that works for both of us?”
Here, there is no blame or criticism present. Partner A is letting their partner know they value them and their efforts, they’re inviting them into their inner experience and feelings using ‘I’ language, and they are offering an invitation to solve the problem together as a team.
Partner B, not experiencing a sense of blame or criticism, can address Partner A’s feelings and can think about their own feelings and experience. They may respond with something like, “I can understand that you would feel frustrated and think that I don’t care about our stuff. I do care, I tend to just put things in, in a rush, because I feel overwhelmed with everything else going on. Let’s sit down and talk about ways we can do things differently together, to make this work for both of us.”
In scenario B, the couple has a chance to enter each other’s inner experience and learn more about what the other feels, thinks and what they need. It allows for the couple to work together to better understand how they can tackle the problem to prevent future conflict.
Of course, this way of communicating is not always easy in the moment and most certainly takes practice, but consciously practicing it can open the door to less conflict and more connection.
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