Mother’s Day . . . a day of celebration for some, while for others it may be a day of sadness, grief and loss. When I think of Mother’s Day, I think of two very polarized experiences; one being celebratory while the other is somewhat mourning. Whatever your experience may be, Mother’s Day might require you to take a moment to reflect and dial into your needs.
For some, Mother’s Day is a day of recognition and celebration! If you celebrate Mother’s Day and your experience is of joy, I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day. I hope you are showered with all the love, admiration and appreciation you deserve. Mother’s wear many hats: chef, doctor, chauffeur, counsellor, mediator, teacher, coach, and so on and so forth. With so many jobs for others we often forget about our needs or tend to put them at the bottom of the priority list. This Mother’s Day, put yourself at the top and be selfish! This is your day to do what you want and how you want to be celebrated.
For others, Mother’s Day is a very triggering and heavy day. It can be a reminder of all the internal and external expectations and pressures you feel as a mother. You may feel you have lost your identity and are not enough. If this sounds like your experience, I see you. You deserve to feel enough. The fact that you worry about being a good mother shows that you are enough because you care enough. You deserve to enjoy motherhood and should be celebrated for all that you do, not just on Mother’s Day.
For some, this is the first Mother’s Day without your mom. It’s a day of reflection on the relationship, experiences and loss that is magnified on this day. If this is your first Mother’s Day without your mom, I see you. I know the pain that comes with the loss of a parent. Every day can be challenging but especially the firsts after a loss.
For others, Mother’s Day is a reminder of your struggle to become a mother. Infertility robs you of the joy of many celebrations and rites of passages but it especially hurts on days where women are celebrated for being mothers. It can’t be easy to go through challenges anticipating Mother’s Day, perhaps pretending not to be affected and/or suffering in silence. If this is your experience, I see you.
For some, Mother’s Day is a reminder of their miscarriage or loss of a child. The grief of a miscarriage or loss of a child can be deblitating. On Mother’s Day, this may be a reminder of what could have been or what was. If this is your experience, I see you.
For others, Mother’s Day is a reminder of the strained relationship with your mother. Mother’s Day may remind you of your childhood and the challenging relationship. If this is your experience, I see you.
For some, Mother’s Day is a reminder that their gender identification does not fit societal norms and do not have a day designated to be celebrated. If you identify as non-binary and a parent, I see you and I am sorry you have to be bombarded by gender specific celebrations on Mother’s Day.
My wish is that whatever your experience, whatever emotions come up for you around Mother’s Day that you have the support and tools you need to get through the day. Here are some tips on how to get through Mother’s Day:
Validate your Feelings and Assess your Needs:
Acknowledge and validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel whatever may come up for you. Don’t feel guilty about it or pressure to change. Each year you may have different feelings or emotions associated with Mother’s Day. Take inventory of what you need more of and/or what you need less of as you try to get through the day. Pretending you are okay has never helped anyone. If you wake up on Mother’s Day and want to spend the day in bed, cry or listen to music, do it. If you wake up and you feel nostalgic and miss those you have lost, pull out that photo album and take some time reminiscing. There are no right or wrong feelings when dealing with Mother’s Day. Your experience is yours and only yours to feel, so be sure to give yourself the time and space you need.
Create Boundaries:
Figure out your boundaries and define them as they relate to Mother’s Day. Prepare for conversations or comments and practice how you will handle them. Stay focused and be very clear of your needs. It is also okay to ask for what you need and to say no to things that aren’t beneficial to your mental health.
Lean on your Support System:
If it feels right for you, connect with individuals, supports and activities that bring you joy. That might mean calling up a friend to talk about your feelings or not. You might want to schedule an activity that feels good for you that has nothing to do with Mother’s Day.
Consider Disconnecting from all Media
Disconnect from all media. We all know that social media will be blowing up our feeds with all the Mother’s Day celebrations. There is a lot of pressure to post pictures, memories or to make profound statements about the joys of being a mother, being celebrated and celebrating your mother; don’t torture yourself, just disconnect. Put your device away and pick up a book, watch a movie, take some time to colour or journal.
Create a New Tradition and Find Ways to Celebrate You
You don’t have to do what you’ve always done or what everyone else is doing. Regardless of your feelings and emotions towards Mother’s Day, create a new tradition that feels true and authentic. Find ways to celebrate you, as you are, not because you are a mother but because you are you!
If Mother’s Day is evoking feelings and emotions that are making you feel a certain way, use the tips above to help support you through this time. If you find that your emotions and feelings are impacting your day to day, do know that there is help. If you find yourself struggling on your journey towards becoming a parent or motherhood, know that you are not alone, this is temporary, and with help you will feel better. Reach out to family, friends, medical care provider and/or a counsellor, because you deserve to enjoy and feel good about yourself regardless of where you are at on your parenting journey.
I know . . . it’s pretty heavy content! Remember, everyone has their own story and their own experience of mothering, motherhood and parenthood regardless of biology. Let’s not forget that many love this day and most will appreciate that mothers should be celebrated every day! For me, being a mom has been the most difficult, yet most rewarding adventure of my life. Becoming a mother magnified the greatest lessons and deepest insecurities. I have felt and shared the purest form of love, an unconditional love. To the moms who are having an extra tough Mother’s Day this year; to those who have stepped in to be a mother figure; to those who are still waiting for their turn; to the moms who feel like they’re drowning; to the parents who don’t identify as mothers and to the ones who have it all together, Happy Mother’s Day!
If you are considering seeking support, I’m Rita. I am a Registered Social Worker, Canadian Certified Counsellor and a Certified Perinatal Mental Health clinician. I specialize in working with the perinatal population, this includes: those trying to conceive, those that are pregnant and those in the postpartum period. Furthermore, my work also includes: infertility, grief and loss, traumatic birth, postpartum depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and rediscovering your identity and relationship after trying to conceive and childbirth. I’m also a mom and understand the journey of trying to become a parent, pregnancy and postpartum. This period can be very overwhelming, isolating and may not follow the route you wanted or expected and that is where I can help. As a counsellor, I will work with you to increase your awareness to gain a deeper understanding of your needs and develop skills to improve your relationship with yourself and others. I would be honoured to walk alongside you and hold space for your most vulnerable and true self. We all have a story to share and I look forward to hearing yours while supporting you to create the change you desire. You can click below to learn more about me and to connect.
About the Author
