With messages about sex saturating both public and private spaces of our lives, it’s no wonder that people often are looking for a yardstick to measure their own experiences of sex and sexuality. How much or how little, and in what ways someone wants to be sexually active is deeply personal, and yet many people find themselves, advertently or inadvertently, comparing their experiences with those of others. I’ve seen this to be especially true when it comes to sexual desire. Some questions concerning sexual desire that I often hear include:
“Is it normal to want sex as little (or as much) as I do?”
“I want sex less than my partner does… is there something wrong with me (or them)?”
“I used to want sex more, but lately I haven’t been so interested… am I in the wrong relationship, or is there something wrong with me?”
As a therapist working with people who are asking these types of questions, I’ve found that there are a few key pieces of information that speak to these issues. Although these pieces of information may not completely calm your distress or immediately change your relationship with your partner, they’re certainly helpful starting points – and information that I believe is useful regardless of whether you’re struggling with sexual desire or not.
A key place to start is with acknowledging and normalizing that sexual desire is complex and unique for different people, in different contexts, and in different relationships. Building from this, there is nothing inherently wrong with someone’s experience of sexual desire being lower than someone else’s sexual desire, or with someone’s level of sexual desire changing with time, circumstances, life events, relationships, etc. Such experiences only become problematic if the person is feeling upset or distressed as a result, or if such experiences are causing conflict or distress in one’s relationship(s) and are, in turn, become a concern for them.
Understanding how sexual desire works is also crucial. Sexual desire can boil down to a principle that is pretty straight-forward: desire is fueled by positive anticipation. In some ways, this aligns with how many people think about being “turned on.” A thought, image, word, or touch catches their attention, is interpreted as enticing, and feels exciting. This is an apt time to introduce another valuable piece of information that relates to sexual desire: the dual control model of sexual response.[i] Essentially, the central nervous system (your brain and spinal cord) is made up of “accelerators” and “breaks.” The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is the accelerator of your sexual response, and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual break. According to the dual control model, focusing on ‘turn ons’ is only half of the picture. Imagine hitting the accelerator of a car with one foot while your other foot presses down on the break. In order for the car to move, you must hit the accelerator in addition to letting pressure off of the break. For some people struggling with sexual desire, exploring things that hit the accelerator (i.e., activate the SES) can be very helpful. For other people, pressure on the break (i.e., SIS activation) needs to be lessened. And for many people, it takes a bit of both. Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are discusses this information in more detail, and includes some exercises to help you figure out whether it’s your ‘accelerator’ or ‘break’ that need some special attention.
Let’s circle back to the importance of positive anticipation for sexual desire, and focus on where the rubber hits the road. If you’re wanting to work on building positive anticipation as a means of stoking sexual desire, here are a few places to begin:
- Positive Sexual Experiences. We’re likely to want more of something in the future when we’ve had positive past experiences of it. Making sexual experiences positive for everyone involved requires a balancing act of staying connected with your own experience (i.e., what you’re interested in, what feels good or pleasurable) while also connecting with your partner. You might practice mindfully attending to what you’re experiencing in and through your body, along with exploring ways of communicating likes and wants with your partner.
- Novelty. I should specify that I’m not suggesting new positions or toys to ‘spice things up’ – although some people find value in this kind of novelty. What I’m talking about here is looking for ways to cultivate curiosity, imagination, and play within your sexual relationship or sex life.
- Thinking Ahead. I’ve spoken to many people who hang onto the fallacy that good sexual experiences should be spontaneous. I gently and persistently try to challenge this way of thinking. In actuality, planning sexual encounters can do two specific things to stoke desire. First of all, as sex and relationship therapist Esther Perel notes, planning creates anticipation.[ii] Secondly, planning can provide the time and space for attending to things that might be hitting the ‘break’ and/or act as sexual ‘accelerators.’
If you’re looking for extra information that moves beyond these starting points, here are a few resources on the topic of sexual desire (plus related topics):
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
The Come as You Are Workbook by Emily Nagoski
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori A. Brotto
Mating in
Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther
Perel
[i] Janssen, E., & Bancroft, J. (2006). The dual control model: The role of sexual inhibition & excitation in sexual arousal and behavior. In Janssen E. (Ed.) The Psychophysiology of Sex. Bloomington, IN: Indiana University press.
[ii] Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.
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